For the past 3 years, I have been a parent advocate at a foster care agency. ne parent I worked with from the beginning was a mom whose 5 children were in care because she had not protected them from abuse. Mom love her children but her visits were not going well.
Blaming each other
Mom always had a mean look on her face. One day I stopped and said, "What is wrong?"
"I'm so upset with the foster parent", Mom told me. "My boys are calling me names."
We set up a meeting with the foster mother and it didn't go well. Mom claimed that the foster parent was trying to keep her children. The foster mother went on about how badly the children reacted after visits. I had to tell her, "The children are missing their mother. They are angry when the visits are over." Still, I did not feel the mother was blameless. Her chidlren distrusted her and she did not know how to manage their behavior. I told Mom, "Sit and listen. What part do you play?"
Something missing
As time passed, Mom finished her services and I thought I saw things changing for her. But by then, the children were mad because it took Mom so long to get herself together. They'd say "Our mom doesn't act like a mother". Something was missing - a real connecion.
There's Still Time
One day the foster mother surprised us by asking if she could talk privately with Mom. They sat together for hours. The foster mother said, "No matter what, I will work with ou to help you with your children." Mom walked out crying. I hoped this would be a real turning point. But then Mom went to court and learned the court was getting ready to terminate her rights. The lawyers and judge tried to convince Mom to accept a 'conditional surrender' which would allow her to keep visiting despite adoption. Mom refused.
We were back to square one. Still, I am hopeful. I didn't reconnect with my own children until after my mother adopted them. I hope that for these children and their mother, there's still time.